The Couples Money Check-In
A grounded way to talk about money without spiraling, stonewalling, or turning it into a personality test.
Before You Start (Please Actually Read This)
This is not a budgeting exercise.
This is a meaning-making exercise.
Money carries history, fear, values, identity, and old survival strategies.
If this feels loaded… that’s because it is.
Your only job here is to stay curious, not correct.
🛑 If things get heated:
Pause
Take a breath
Come back later
You’re allowed to take this in pieces.
>Step 1: Quick Emotional Check-In
Each person answers:
Right now, money feels:
☐ Stressful ☐ Neutral ☐ Empowering ☐ Heavy ☐ Avoidable ☐ Confusing ☐ Other: _______
One word for how I feel going into this conversation:
What I need in order to stay regulated during this conversation:
(Examples: not being interrupted, reassurance, clarity, breaks, time limits)
>Step 2: Money + Attachment Patterns
(This part explains 80% of money fights.)
When I feel financially stressed, I tend to:
☐ Shut down
☐ Get controlling
☐ Avoid looking at numbers
☐ Panic or catastrophize
☐ Overspend to feel better
☐ Clamp down tightly
☐ Try to “fix” everything
☐ Other: ____________________
Growing up, money was mostly associated with:
☐ Scarcity
☐ Conflict
☐ Silence
☐ Shame
☐ Instability
☐ Security
☐ Responsibility
☐ Power
☐ Freedom
A money belief I learned early in life:
“__________________________________________________”
>Step 3: Current Reality Snapshot
(No judgment. Just information.)
Approximate monthly income: __________________
Fixed expenses (rent, bills, childcare, etc.): __________________
Flexible spending: __________________
Savings (any kind): __________________
Debt (if applicable): __________________
You’re not solving anything yet.
You’re just naming what exists.
>Step 4: What Are We Actually Saving For?
This part helps you see where your priorities differ — without assuming one of you is wrong.
*One: Rank These Individually
(1 = highest priority, 7 = lowest)
☐ Retirement / long-term security
☐ Emergency fund / safety net
☐ Travel / experiences
☐ Home ownership or housing stability
☐ Children / family-related costs
☐ Joy, hobbies, or quality-of-life spending
☐ Flexibility / freedom / not feeling trapped
Optional add-on:
☐ ___________________________________
*Two: Reflect
My top two priorities matter to me because:
The one I ranked lowest feels less important because:
A fear that influences my choices around money:
*Three: Compare (Without Debating)
Instead of arguing, try finishing these sentences:
One thing I notice about your priorities is…
One thing I didn’t realize mattered so much to you is…
One place we’re more aligned than I expected:
One place we see money very differently:
⚠️ Reminder:
Different priorities usually reflect different survival strategies, not selfishness.
>Step 5: The Meaning Layer
(This is where things usually click.)
Each person answers:
When I think about money in our relationship, my biggest fear is:
What I need in order to feel safer financially with you:
One thing I appreciate about how you handle money:
>Step 6: Finding the Middle Ground
Together, answer:
One thing we’re doing well right now:
One thing we want to adjust (not overhaul):
One small, realistic next step:
When we’ll revisit this conversation:
(Yes, schedule it. Avoiding it doesn’t make it go away.)
Final Reminder
Money disagreements don’t mean your relationship is broken.
They usually mean:
You learned different rules about safety
You’re carrying different fears
You want different versions of stability
You care more than you know how to say
This is not about winning.
It’s about understanding each other well enough to choose together.