Understanding Your Relational Self: The Relationship Grid
Have you ever noticed that in your closest relationships, the same conflicts keep popping up — even when the topic changes? Or you feel stuck in patterns you can’t quite name? The Relationship Grid, developed by Terry Real, gives you a simple map to see what’s really happening under the surface — especially when you’re stressed, reactive, or hurt.
What is the Relationship Grid?
The Grid is built on two axes:
Vertical axis — Self-Esteem: how you see yourself under pressure (from one-down / shame to one-up / grandiosity)
Horizontal axis — Boundaries: how you relate to others (from boundaryless / overconnected to walled off / emotionally withdrawn)
When our nervous system is activated — conflict, fear, hurt — many of us slide into one of four reactive quadrants (rather than staying in the healthy “wise adult / same-as + flexible boundary” center). The Grid helps you:
Name your automatic, protective stance
See where your partner tends to go
Understand why your conflicts repeat
Get a roadmap for how to move toward a more balanced place
The Four Quadrants, in Everyday Language
Here’s how those quadrants often show up in real life:
One-Down + Boundaryless (Love Dependent / Overfunctioning): You chase closeness, read signals intensely, bend over backwards to avoid conflict or rejection.
One-Up + Boundaryless (Grandiose / Overbearing): You rely heavily on your independence or competence, often deciding or controlling to maintain safety.
One-Down + Walled-Off (Shut-Down / Avoidant): You protect yourself by withdrawing, numbing, or refusing to engage.
One-Up + Walled-Off (Cold / Superior): You maintain distance, withhold emotion or warmth, and lean on superiority to stay safe.
In truth, most people don’t live in one quadrant all the time — you might shift depending on context, partner, or trigger. But your default under stress tends to settle into one pattern.
Why This Matters in Relationships
It depersonalizes the struggle — the problem isn’t “you vs. them,” but “pattern vs. pattern.”
It gives shared language: instead of vague fights, you can say, “I tend to pull back when I feel judged; what do you tend to do?”
It offers you direction — once you know where you go under stress, you can learn how to move toward the center (wise adult, healthy boundaries).
Try It for Yourself: Take the Quiz
Want to find out which quadrant you tend to go into under stress — and get a short guide on how to start shifting? Try Terry Real’s free Relationship Grid Quiz here:
Take the Relationship Grid Quiz quiz.terryreal.com
After you get your result, reflect on:
How accurate is it?
When in your life do you notice you default to that stance?
What’s one small move you could try toward the center?