Why You Do What You Do: Core Fears & Adaptive Defenses
You're not too much. You're not broken. You're just really good at surviving things that were never meant to be survived alone.
Based on the work of Dr. Todd Pressman (Deconstructing Anxiety), these are five universal core fears that shape how we adapt to pain—especially if you grew up navigating trauma, chaos, or emotional invisibility.
🔥 THE 5 CORE FEARS
Abandonment
“If I don’t keep people close, I’ll be left alone.”Shows up as: clinginess, fear of conflict, intense loyalty to unsafe people
Common in: emotionally inconsistent homes, divorce, enmeshment
Worthlessness
“If I’m not helpful, productive, or perfect, I have no value.”Shows up as: overfunctioning, self-erasure, chasing approval
Common in: achievement-focused families, emotional neglect
Loss of Control / Helplessness
“If I’m not in charge, everything will fall apart.”Shows up as: micromanaging, hyper-independence, anxiety when plans change
Common in: chaotic or abusive homes where safety had to be created, not given
Rejection / Disapproval
“If I show who I am, I’ll be judged or pushed away.”Shows up as: masking, people-pleasing, not knowing who you are without others
Common in: queerphobic households, emotionally rigid environments
Death / Annihilation / Identity Loss
“If I let go, slow down, or rest… I’ll disappear.”Shows up as: dissociation, suicidal ideation, feeling like life is lived from the outside
Common in: CPTSD, early relational trauma, chronic invalidation
🛡️ CHIEF DEFENSES: HOW WE ADAPT (AND GET STUCK)
These are the strategies we use to stay safe. They’re brilliant—but they come at a cost.
People-pleasing – Keep the peace, stay loved. Even if it means losing yourself.
Hyper-independence – Rely on no one. At least then you can’t be dropped.
Perfectionism – If I’m flawless, no one can criticize or leave.
Caretaking – Manage everyone else’s mess, so you don’t have to face your own grief.
Dissociation – Turn down the volume on your body and your needs.
Anger/Rage – Better to explode than be vulnerable and abandoned.
Withdrawal – Numb out. Go quiet. Disappear before someone makes you feel invisible.
💭 A Reminder:
These defenses worked. You’re here because they did. But healing means asking a different question:
“What would I do if I weren’t afraid of being abandoned, rejected, unworthy, powerless, or gone?”
Healing asks you to choose connection over protection—and yeah, that’s terrifying. But you deserve more than survival.